Life has become more challenging in our home the last two months.
Nathanael's birth spurred the incredible lack of sleep in our home. I've come accustomed to nursing every hour to 2 1/2 hours. Curtis moved to the guest room to hide from crying. Elijah just stopped waking up at night due to the crying. Maybe he is able to block it out enough to keep sleeping.
We have missed church all but once since December. It is a huge disappointment and bit of a sour point between us. We truly miss and need these visits. We need to hear the teachings of God's word, and fellowship with other believers. Curtis' duty weekends have us attending the base chapel services. Curtis has to attend both the catholic and protestant services to run the sound boards. The Protestant service is such a point of prayer. The individuals attending for such a joyless congregation. The lack of depth provided is visible. The chaplain is content just skimming the surface of God's electric text. It is easy for him to do this being in the military setting. His position isn't just to preach Christ but to impress the higher officers to continue his service. Those who are truly go deeper very rarely stay in the Navy Chaplain core.
I have to stop and ask myself; "how am I just like those individuals?" I can not let my day go by without stopping and asking God to point out the sin in my heart. To stop and reconnect with my just, merciful, loving God. My chief end isn't to dwell in my sin, to find greater recipes, achieve a cleaner home, lose that extra weight.. it is to glorify God.
I find myself needing a more patient and forgiving heart. I find myself becoming more easily frustrated with Curtis and those little things. I even notice that ugly stewing occurring called bitterness.
A couple of days ago Elijah said "mommy and daddy sad." Oh what sadness fills my heart!
This wretched sinner that I'm needs help. Help from God. For I know within myself no change will occur.
It is my prayer that God will allow me to let those little things "roll" off my being. Almost 8 years of marriage does not give me greater understanding of Curtis. Only God can allow the positive to reach further in my heart and let me love deeper through the lows.
Curtis is getting tested currently for a disorder on the bi-polar disorder spectrum. It is my prayer that I can encourage him and love him more through it all.
I hope and pray for more time alone with God this week, in His word and in prayer. I pray for better connection with my spouse and a greater abundance of the fruit of the spirit within me and this home of ours.
To God be the glory.
2 comments:
Am I working?
Sweet Yolanda....I just read your post. Thanks so much for your vulnerability and your openness. My thoughts and prayers are with you. I think the early years of parenting can hold some dark days along with all of the joys. I know that for our little family - sleep deprivation is NOT a good thing! Three of us require loads of sleep. Our youngest, however, can thrive on the bare minimum. This can be hard! :0)The Lord promises He'll give us only as much as we can handle, but sometimes I feel that it gets PRETTY close to my breaking point!! This week we have all been sick along with dealing with Jesse's burns. I feel like when it rains it pours sometimes! Thank you for sharing. I will be praying for you, my friend. Keep me posted on life. - Amy
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